Does this stuff really work in the heat of the moment?

Q: Al, the info you give is powerful and uplifting, but I have trouble using it in the heat of the moment. Does this stuff really work in the heat of the moment? If yes, please help me understand how. Thank you.

A: Pilots go through thousands of hours of simulation, athletes go through thousands of hours of training, and I practice my "talks" thousands of times. And you know what? Situations still occur that just don't go the way their supposed to. Does that mean that the training and the practice wasn't useful in the heat of the moment? Of course not.

So, the answer is yes, it works. However, quite often it doesn't work exactly the way you want it to, but what does?

According to findings by Thomas Carr, Ph.D., a professor of psychology, and doctoral student Sian Beilock published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, "a skill performed 1,000 times perfectly can fall apart if an individual is not accustomed to highly stressful situations,"

The human mind-body was designed for survival not diplomacy. This why it's very hard to be diplomatic in tense situations. In the heat of the moment your mind-body is thinking survival on a non-conscious level.

When people attack you verbally, on many levels the body responds in the same manner that it would to a physical attack. Blood-flow to the brain decreases and blood-flow to the major muscle groups increases. Now it's time for the fight or flight response mode to kick in.

The keys to utilizing effective communication techniques in the heat of the moment are: experience and preparation. Both of which create familiarity. The more familiar you are with a situation or set of circumstances the more you will be able to relax. The more relaxed you are the better you will be able to utilize the tools in your toolbox.

After an argument or disagreement take the time to reflect on what YOU could have done better. I know it wasn't your fault, right? Garbage. The meaning of your communication is the response you get. Stop. Read that last sentence again.

Maybe you didn't mean to rub "so and so" the wrong way but... you did. The way a person responds to your communication (racism, prejudice, and plain old bad attitudes aside) is how you came across to them.

So what could you have done better? Commit to making those improvements and use them in preparation for any future conflicts.

So, do you want to know how it works for me?

If I'm arguing with my wife, in the middle of the conversation I'll be thinking to myself "What is going on? How can this happen? I have high Emotional Intelligence and I'm an Exceptional Communicator."

My is wife is thinking the same thing. I know because she tells me. "Excuse me, Mr. Emotional Intelligence, but for someone whose supposed to be an Exceptional Communicator you sure don't listen!" Now that's funny, isn't it?

That's when I start laughing to myself and realize that umbrellas don't stop the rain, they just keep it off of you. And when it's raining too hard the umbrella barely helps at all. So...just go inside (yourself) and wait for it to stop raining. Think about that.

When it comes to managing emotions and communicating in the heat of the moment, it's hard or it might even be impossible for ANYBODY to be flawless. So don't kid yourself, but know that things would've probably gone a lot worse if you didn't know any effective communication techniques.

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Al Duncan—The Millennial Mentor™—is a World-Class Motivational Speaker, an author, and a renowned Youth Speaker. Visit him online at www.alduncan.net