Al Duncan- Identity Crisis: The Wrong Label on the Wrong Can

Identity Crisis: The Wrong Label on the Wrong Can

Growing up I used to say to my father, “Dad, I’m hungry.” My father would respond by shaking my hand and saying, “Hi, Hungry nice to meet you. I’m Alfred Duncan, Sr.”

While my father was busy cracking up at his corny joke I would be pulling on his leg whining, “C’mon, Dad, I’m serious.”

“But I thought you said that you were Hungry!”

Do you see what I had to go through? And people wonder why I play on words so much. Here’s the point. People have a tendency to confuse behavior with identity. In other words, we are good at mislabeling things, which often causes big communication gaps and fosters self-defeating behaviors.

In the 80’s neurolinguist Robert Dilts developed a model called the neurological levels of experience based on Gregory Bateson’s general model of Logical Levels.

From a strictly logical point of view these levels aren’t really logical levels. But Dilts’ model is a great way to identify the operating levels in your language and the language of others. The levels are:

6. Spirituality/Connectedness

5. Identity

4. Values, Beliefs, and Convictions

3. Capabilities, Competencies, and Skills

2. Behavior

1. Environment

One of the fundamental concepts behind this model is that changes made on a particular level affects the ones below it, which is why I listed them in descending order.

For instance, if you become much better at what you do (skills) then you can perform better (behavior) get a promotion or start your own business (environment) and move into a bigger house (environment).

So, what does all of that have to do with communication and self-defeating behaviors? It’s simple. Quite often when people are thinking or talking to themselves and other people they confuse behavior with identity.

For example, “He’s a basketball player” or “I’m a human being” are both identity statements. “She’s nice” or “I am sad” are statements that confuse identity with behavior. Actually she’s acting or being nice and I am feeling or acting sad. This is important because it’s much easier to change behavior than it is to change identity.

Here’s a great story to help illustrate the point of this article.

Once upon a time there was a stock-boy that worked at the local market. This was no ordinary stock-boy he was the greatest stock boy ever. He could stock the market shelves faster and neater than anybody. He was so good they called him Super Stock-Boy.

One day a large shipment of various caned goods arrived at the market. When the owner began opening the cases of cans he was horrified. The labels were all in one box and the cans were in the others. Apparently the market down the street had sabotaged their order.

But…never fear Super Stock-Boy is here! He confidently began putting the labels back on the cans and stocking the shelves. By the time the first customers started shopping Super Stock-Boy was finished.

The next day as soon as the owner opened up people started coming in to the store complaining about the wrong food being in the wrong cans. Before long there was an angry mob in the store.

One guy said, “I thought I had chicken noodle soup for my sick mother. When I opened the can I saw that it was cranberry sauce.”

A lady shouted, “You ruined my dinner. I thought I had chili but was dog food!”

The terrified owner hollered out, “N-n-n-not me…it was Super Stock-Boy.” The angry mob turned and began to approach Super Stock-Boy.

Now let’s pause our story here and think about the world’s greatest stock boy and the hard time he had with the cans. This is Super Stock Boy and even he couldn’t get all the labels right.

Well, most people have more going on inside of them then a can of dog food, don’t they? In fact, everyone has approximately 48 ounces of infinity in between their ears called a brain.

I realize that not everybody uses his or her 48 ounces very well! But there’s no telling when someone (maybe you) is going to do something that doesn’t fit the label you’ve placed on him or her, especially if the context has changed. In other words-

Behavior is subject to change without prior notification.

Think about it. How many times have you thought you had the right label on the right can and you knew beyond the shadow of a doubt what someone was going to do, or “how they are”. Then all of a sudden they did something totally different?

Like a quiet, shy type of person who becomes loud and boisterous when pushed to hard. Or a student who has been labeled educable mentally retarded that grows up to become world-renowned speaker Les Brown. And of course the proverbial nice guy living next door that turns out to be a child molester.

(By the way the, it might be helpful to mention that a lot of times the younger a person is the more likely their behavior is to change at any given moment. I’m not saying that if someone is a hundred years old they can’t or won’t change, but they’ve had certain patterns and habits for years that have been burned into their unconscious mind).

By being able to distinguish between a person’s behavior and their identity you will have much greater discernment. Isn’t that why a parent says to their child, “Come straight home and don’t talk to strangers”? Of course that’s why. The parent knows that every smiling face (behavior) cannot be labeled as a benevolent being (identity).

But here’s thing. That same parent will turn right around and say “I am depressed” (identity) instead of “I’m feeling depressed” (behavior). Why is this important? Isn’t it just a matter of semantics? No! It’s more than just semantics. If it were just semantics then those two statements would mean the same things and produce the same results. But they don’t.

As I stated earlier, change on the higher neurological levels affect change on the lower levels. In other words you can change your behavior (level 2) by developing the skills, capabilities, or competencies (level 3) to do so.

By moving the behavior called depression to the identity level a person creates an identity crisis that they feel as if they have little or no control over.

Once a person declares, “I am depressed” and internalizes that meaning, unconsciously they begin to produce feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. That’s why it’s a good idea to be careful with the phrase, “That’s just how I am” or “That’s just the way they are.”

When someone makes a statement like that, unconsciously they’re saying there’s nothing they can do about it, which may or may not be true. It’s a very empowering feeling to know that you can bring about changes in self-defeating behavior that may be plaguing you, right?

I recently read the following phrase- “People want to change but they don’t want to be changed.” Listen, I’m not trying to change the way you talk, I’m helping you to change the way you think and communicate. I still continue to say things like “I’m tired” but I understand that I’m feeling tired. Get it?

It would probably drive you insane trying not to label. That’s how we make sense out of this thing called reality. However being aware of when and how you are labeling yourself and others will greatly increase your Emotional Intelligence, your ability to communicate effectively, and your ability to re-frame your experiences to your benefit.

Whenever you’re having trouble making certain changes in your life, begin the process of change by checking to see if you’re mislabeling a behavior as part of your identity. This the first step to self-empowerment in a situation of this type.

Oh yeah. Are you wondering what happened to Super-Stock Boy? Did he save the day?

Slowly the angry mob began to approach Super Stock-Boy. He tried to explain and apologize but they started throwing cans at him. The cowardly owner ran for his life and poor Super-Stock Boy has never been seen or heard from again. But every now and then when someone finds something mislabeled the townspeople wonder, "Is he back?"

The moral of the story is- be ever mindful of your labeling because it can be dangerous putting the wrong label on the wrong can.

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Al Duncan—The Millennial Mentor™—is a World-Class Motivational Speaker, an author, and a renowned Youth Speaker. Visit him online at www.alduncan.net